Because if it’s one thing America does, it’s place oppressive tin-horn dictators in charge of countries that nationalize portions of their economy. So next January, I fully expect to see some ill-tempered military man making sure that America’s Businessmen are protected from the poor people they gouge.

And it doesn’t matter how I vote, because surely rigging the vote is part of America’s Interest. So bring on the Military Man and America’s Mommy.

If only he’d had Al Gore write the site. I mean, he helped invent the internet!

Seriously, Senator Obama, I’ll come help you. Though I want my $15 back.

The Republicans can only be The Jedi.

Karl Rove comes on TV and waves his hands and says ‘20 months is plenty experience’ and across this great nation, a hundred and seventy million people mumble along: ‘20 months is plenty’. My god… if he said “you will take me to Jabba now”, I guarantee that we’d build intergalactic time machines to find a galaxy long, long ago and far, far away and take him to Jabba now. Fuckin’ Jedi, man. The spiritual guardians of the Old Republic. …ans. Old Republicans. …Ahem.

Anyway… I mean… it’s either that or the narrow majority of Americans are morons. 

…Okay, so you want me to explain myself….

First off: yes yes, I know, based on WebKit, so it lacks that Mozilla Power, and; it’s yet another Google Permanent Beta! program, and; Chrome’s EULA says that they can use the things you browse in ads, and send you ads, and; IE8 had all that months ago, and; it’s only for “Winblow$”. 

And I don’t care. 

The tabs-at-the-top idea is brilliant and obvious (you see what I did there? how I implied I was brilliant?). The multiple processes-per-tab is brilliant. The Javascript performance is breathtaking (and yes, I’m that kind of nerd, who faints at javascript). The home page is awesome. The speed is fantastic. It’s everything Safari could be if Apple weren’t run by a guy who thought brushed metal was a great idea. 

I love it. And yes, I’m going to marry it. 

Addendum: Note well the menu-option “Create Application Shortcuts…”. This is the hammer that rings the bell that sounds Microsoft’s doom. And that bell, forged in the NeXT Cube of CERN, is the dark canvas Steve Jobs uses to write this dark prophecy.

…really, I could go on. Heck, I could link “doom” to one of the canvas-based 3d shooters. …I think what I’m saying here is that Steve Jobs has had it in for Gates for a longer time than any of us thought.

Then God got all squiffy drunk and made the manifold platypuses and wombats and stoats, and those odd little things that swim about in the ocean and are transparent and glowy. And God looked down upon them and said “Let There Be Land”, for he hadn’t gotten to that point yet, and some of the platypuses and stoats had drowned. And God thus made the beaches and beer-shacks and taquerias, and the Puerto Ricans and the French. And then God took a lesser part of himself and molded Man. And God breathed into Man the essence of spirit, which smelled a bit off, for God had been eating taquitos and doing shots with the Puerto Ricans.

Man awoke in the Forest Primeval, and rubbed his eyes, and scratched his genitals, and stretched, and said “Oi! Where’s the birds, wot?” And so God laid Man to rest, and took of him a rib, and most of his brain, and made Woman.

Then god took a nap, for he’d had quite enough work. Then he watched his soaps. Then made a pie, and forgot all about Man and Woman, and the stoats and platypuses.

And so here we are today.

Amen.”

(I was testing a new word processor, while drunk)

I think they missed the point of the show, shared also by “Throwdown with Bobby Flay”: the host of such shows should be kind of a dick—so you secretly want to see him fail miserably, and when he seems humbled by his ordeal, you’re rewarded. Michael Symon just seems to be having fun. And he’s a nice guy who loves bacon. What kind of person wants to see a guy who makes chocolate-covered bacon fail?

Which is why they need to have that snooty-faced Ice Queen from the Next Food Network Star win that competition, so she can do Dinner: Impossible and have breakdowns and triumph, humbly, in the end.

Every day I see “utilize”, “utilized”, or “utilizing” used to mean “used”. You don’t “utilize our partnership” or “utilize the website” or “utilize your desk phone”. No. You use them.

You can only “utilize” something that isn’t really a tool to begin with. Let’s say that your corporate jet crashes on a deserted island. Then and only then may you utilize your phone to crack coconuts; or, utilize your binder as a serving tray for poi. You may even utilize your tie as a makeshift tourniquet. Hopefully on your neck. Because you’re an evil evil person who hates language and clear thought.

Now don’t get me wrong, dude totally bends bullets. And you see Angelina’s butt. And things explode and trains explode and cars …well cars don’t explode as such, but there’s sparks and stuff and guns and the et cetera. So the 13-year-old boy in me totally dug all that stuff. But at the end of the movie, when the main character breaks the fourth wall and asks what I’ve “done lately“, I had to admit that what I had done lately was “Sat through this shit.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the bathroom.

But Windows Journal has one problem: to change pages you have to use the fiddly scroll bar, which is just about useless, or the up-down buttons on the corner of the screen, which truly are useless. There’s a handy display of which page you’re on at the bottom of the screen that just begs to be a target for a menu, like the menus in ArtRage or SketchBook.

The control should work like a spring-slider. When you click on it, and drag the slider left or right (or up or down: my intuition was left/right), a bar should appear and the pages should tick down or up, depending on which way you drag and whether your Windows is running a right-to-left language (if it’s left/right dragging). The only downside is that dragging “further down” leaves you with little room for accelleration. Alternately, I was thinking you could turn the margin into a draggable region, where moving the cursor into it shows a little cartoon ‘draggy hand’. To get rid of the hand, you could scribble the pen until it disappeared with a poof of magic smoke, after which you could write and it wouldn’t appear so long as you came back into the margin within five seconds.

*I just learned this one. A quire is 25 sheets, a ream is 500 sheets.