Wanted: Do Not Want
Wanted, a movie featuring Angelina Jolie’s Stunt Double’s ass (I can only assume–though she did make out with her brother, so who knows…), is an awful film. It’s like if The Bourne Identity had been screenwritten by a gang of 13-year-old foster-home boys during a sleepover, fueled by Mountain Dew and Metal Gear Solid: “And dude! Dude! He can bend bullets!” “woah!” “…yeah, yeah, and he like, kills everyone, and, like, totally makes out with Angelina Jolie!” “Dude! Awesome!” “Maybe we can show her butt, too!” “Yeah! She’s all hot and stuff.” “…I have to go to the bathroom.” “You just went, Ralph…” “…I have to go again!” …and so forth.
Now don’t get me wrong, dude totally bends bullets. And you see Angelina’s butt. And things explode and trains explode and cars …well cars don’t explode as such, but there’s sparks and stuff and guns and the et cetera. So the 13-year-old boy in me totally dug all that stuff. But at the end of the movie, when the main character breaks the fourth wall and asks what I’ve “done lately“, I had to admit that what I had done lately was “Sat through this shit.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the bathroom.